Forums / The hangaround / Jokes II

Ok, this is a thread for posting funny jokes. They don't have to be your own jokes, but make sure they are funny =). I'll start it off with A pretty funny joke:

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when 
they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is 
overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. 

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk 
by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ 
Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief 
replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 
1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his 
question: “Name them.” 

yer i agree

The Second joke is actually quite funny....But i bet itll take someone a while to work it out coz its not the kind of joke that makes sense straight away

More jokes please. I really need a laugh right now. :(

You got a problem with Irish people Master?

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red?

depends on how hard you throw them




:O

An old one.....

* I have a new CD/MP3/FM Radio in my car that works on voice commands, you say "Classic Rock", it plays Led Zeppelin, you say "Blues", suddenly B.B. King plays......unfortunatley I was driving down the road the other day and some kids ran in front of my car, slamming on my brakes I hollered out "F-ing Kids", now its stuck playing Michael Jackson.*

If water comes out of a watermelon, whats comes out of a cumquat?

Gross, I know :)

    lol, all the jokes are funny! I like the first one =)
Anyways, here's my little joke..well, I guess it's pretty long.

Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis.

haha good one

LOL @ the ferrari joke.

Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"

lol....

so i was in my biology class right?
and my teacher was saying something about how semen
have alot of sugar in them... and without even thinking, the girl
next to me says "then how come it doesnt taste sweet?" after
she realized what she said, the teacher replys with... "thats because
the part of your tongue that tastes sweet, is at the tip, not the back
of your throught....

lulz

lol

i like my women like my coffee...
...

...

..

..

ground up and in the freazer....

Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

you can't unload a truck load of bowling balls with a pitchfork


What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds?

theres 20 of them


This one's kinda long but I think its funny :P

So a guy and his friend play golf every saturday in the morning. They've done this ever since they first became friends. So one day, the man woke up on a Saturday morning and looked outside. It was raining very heavily, the winds were strong, and there was massive amounts of thunder and lightning. So the man thinks to himself, 'It'll clear up'. So he gets in the shower, comes out and looks outside. Its still raining, thundering, etc. So again he thinks, 'It'll clear up'. He goes downstairs, gets some breakfast. It still looks terrible outside. He thinks about staying home, but then thinks about how his friend will probably be at the golf course. So he goes in the garage, gets into his car, pulls out of a driveway and a bolt of lightning strikes right in front of his car, barely missing the car. So he says, 'This isnt worth it, I'm going to go back inside'. So he goes back inside, goes to his room, undresses down to his underwear and gets back in bed. He snuggles up to his wife and says 'Man, its terrible out there!' And she says, 'Yeah I know. Can you believe my dumbass husband went out to play golf in this??'

:)

"oh no!! that bus is about to be hit by a train all those kids will die instantly"

Steven Wright responses " of course they will ....everybody dies instantly.....Your alive.... your alive... your alive ....your dead.

Golf:

Golfer:"I'd move heaven and earth tobreak 100 on this course''
Caddie: "Try heaven, you alredey moved most of the earth"

_____

There was aman who alway said: "It could be worse"
So if someone broke is arm he said: "It could be worse, he coudl have broken his neck"
And if someones leg is crushed by a traktor: "It could be worse, waht if his head was crushed?"
Etc.

Now he and his friend where drinking in a bar...

Friend: "Have you heard the afwul news alredey about Swifty?" (just picked a name)

He: "No, what happend?"

"Wednesday he was returning from a week vakation... and found his wife at home in bed with another man!

"And?"

"He took out his gun...shoot first his wife, than the man, and than himself!"

"It could be worse...."

"Worse?! What could have been worse? all 3 dead!"

"If he would have returned home at  Thuesday, he would have shot me!"

----------------------

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"